Sunday, February 27, 2011

Bad Luck and Bad Decisions

I am from (and still live in) a suburb where not much ever happens. When I was growing up, there were two places you went if you weren't in school, the mall or your friend's houses. The street I grew up on was much the same, families very much like my own with immigrant parents who ruled with a loving but iron fist.

Going to university was expected not optional as was the selection of a major deemed acceptable; i.e. Business/Pre-Med/Pre-Law. Only rarely was another major allowed as long as you were going to be a teacher. These parents often worked shift and/or multiple jobs in order to support their families even if that meant leaving behind educations and high ranking professions from their native countries. Our parents struggled to understand what we meant when we said we just "wanted to have fun and chill out". To our parents, there was no chilling out. Life was about hard work, responsibility and ensuring financial security for your family. I and many of my friends struggled with the expectations of our parents and often felt suffocated by their hopes and dreams for us.

Although we did rebel with alcohol and boys our parents would never approve of, in the end there wasn't that much trouble for us to get into in those days. So, we all survived high school and the psychological scars of that time have faded (for the most part) . We all for the most part are functional, contributing members of society. Even the dreaded teen pregnancy which happened is now a 20 year old man in an ivy league college with all paths leading to medical school much to his grandparents everlasting glee when they tell me every time they see me at the grocery store.

Not many people on that street ever moved, many of my friend's parents still live there but my neighbours of 20 years did move and a family with two pre-teen boys moved in. Their mother confessed plans of finally fixing up the front garden as she showed me pictures of her luxury home in Lebanon which they left as "It had no opportunities for her sons.." and their father worked double shifts driving a taxi so that his wife could raise their sons even though he had been an engineer in his home country.

Since we lived in the land of small suburban lots, I would often see the family enjoying BBQ's and drinking coffee on their decks and would greet them with a smile and a wave before ducking back inside. Their boys loved to play basketball in their front yard and they spent hours out there dutifully stopping their game every time a car passed by. Once when I left my car lights on, they sheepishly knocked on my door to let me know and brought back the keys I had dropped in the snow. They were a happy, close family and I was glad as I left to get married that my mother had such nice neighbours.

After a few years, my mother left the street to move into a condo much better suited to a senior citizen who no longer wanted the responsibility of shoveling driveways and mowing lawns. She sold the house to a nice family & was pleased to leave her neighbours with a suitable replacement for her. A neighbour who would mow their lawn, shovel the sidewalk, and look out for each other.

I have to confess, I never much thought about these neighbours over the years as babies were born, houses were bought and sold, and careers advanced until one day I turned on the local news and caught a newsflash that stated that a home invasion had occurred on my former street and that a 17 year old boy had died and his mother injured. "It couldn't be" I thought as I remembered the shy young boy and his mother who had lived next to us. My phone and Facebook page immediately started buzzing as friends and ex-neighbours messaged me saying that the altercation had happened right next door to where we had lived.

I turned on the news again and now saw that front garden covered with police tape and news reporters talking about a home invasion on "this quiet middle class street". I couldn't help it, I had to drive back and see for myself. Well, I couldn't even get by and was waved away by police. The trees were larger and the houses smaller than I remembered but the feeling of home still remained in my bones as I drove the streets where I had grown up.

Once I got home and turned the news back on, the tone of the newscasters had changed from shock and outrage at a home invasion in the suburbs to hints and whispers of gang activity and vehement denials from friends and teachers. I learned that this young man had died steps from his front door after a group came to his house and told his mother "They just wanted to talk." He told his mother to stay inside and died just a few minutes later.

I can't imagine what this mother feels knowing that if they hadn't answered the door her son might have lived another day, or his brother and father who were at work knowing they weren't there to defend their son & brother. The news posted pictures of this boy wearing ball caps and tank tops with a smirk on his face that all teenage boys have as they stand on the brink of looking like a man but still very much a boy inside. In the end, the camera crews packed up, the police continue on the case but a conviction is looking much less likely. Everyone has moved on to the next story for now and only his family and friends are left to mourn him.

Some will say that it was poor judgement in picking his friends, others say that it was just a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. To me, whether it was bad luck or bad decisions that caused 4 people to set out to kill another that night it still shows that no matter how well you think you are parenting, these things can happen anywhere.

As the mother of a son, aunt of nephews and friend to other mothers this terrifies me as to what awaits us as our boys grow up and out of range of our arms to catch before they fall.

I think of this mother often and hope that she can find peace and forgiveness in herself moving forward for the sake of her other son and husband.

RIP Shadi, thank you for reminding parents to talk to their children and really find out what is going on in their lives. I hope your friends use you not as a reason for revenge but rather a reason to succeed and ensure this doesn't happen to others.


Friday, February 25, 2011

Life as a plan



So last night I was lucky enough to get invited to an advance screening of The Adjustment Bureau with Matt Damon (Disclosure Alert I was given this opportunity because I'm a Klout influencer. I was under no obligation to receive this or talk about this company/opportunity. I get no additional benefits for talking about the opportunity or company. For more info see http://klout.com/perks/disclosure) and one of my faves James Slattery or as you may know him as Roger Sterling on Mad Men.

The movie's premise is simple; is there really someone watching out to make sure we stay on plan? Who gets to decide the plan and what happens if you try to go against that plan? I don't want to spoil the movie but for any closet conspiracy theorists this is the movie for you.

Based on my current situation I really found this premise intriguing as I am pretty much gone against the plan I had for myself in the past few months. In the past few days I have secretly wondered, "Have I gone and screwed up my entire life with my decision to stay home?"

This has been eating away at me all this week and then 2 things happened that made me think that yes I am still on plan. Both things came from women who I admire and look up to. They both had the same message; happiness can't be found in a corner office or buzzing blackberry but rather in living a life without regrets and following your passions.

I like to think that what I have been doing these past few months and that what I was doing before was off plan because now just feels right. Life is too short to live with what ifs...right?

I read this quote and it has stuck with me `You cannot always wait for the perfect time, sometimes you must dare to jump.`

So this is me, I am jumping in....










Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Why am I doing this again?

I know this will be lame but I am already borrowing from another blogger, Kelle Hampton of www.kellehampton.com. (If you haven't been to her blog GO.RIGHT.NOW) She does something which she calls a steam of consciousness post, I just call it brain fart. This is probably why her blog gets millions of hits and this blog gets none. :P So here goes

.....It is Tuesday afternoon at 1:24 pm and while I am listening to Max rustle around trying to nap and am surrounded by cracker crumbs and half eaten grapes I am struck by how different my life has become from just a few months ago.

At 1:30 pm on a Tuesday in what I will call Pre-Quit or "PQ" days I would have been in one of two places, either wrapping up a lunch at a restaurant that serves lychee martinis,bison burgers, and gluten free pasts or at my desk wrapping up conference calls with VP's and/or media personalities of companies whose names rhyme with Boogle and CaseCook. This was the life that I thought I had always wanted where people needed me at meetings and wanted to hear what I thought about things. I had the BlackBerry buzzing from 7am - 7pm (and beyond) and a blonde blue eyed toddler at home so what was the problem you say?

The problem was I was utterly miserable, when I was at work I wanted to be with Max and wondered what he was doing and when I was at home, I was always thinking about deadlines and rushing him off to bed so I could check emails and/or finish up that last report. I woke up running and to-do lists buzzing in my head, rush to work in horrific traffic work all day,fight the rest of the surburbanites for that spot in the fast lane, arrive home to a harried husband and a whiny toddler who only wanted to be with me even though I had dinner to make, laundry to do, and that email sent by a 22 year old client eager to prove himself to his boss by staying at work till all hours and needing my attention and work to do so. I couldn't do it anymore so here I am sitting at home

So now, I am trying to rationalize what it is exactly what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I have never not had it planned out. I have always known what my next step would be. High School, University, First Job, Second Job, Find Boy, Get Married, Have Baby, Take Mat Leave, Go Back to Work and back on the corporate ladder. So with my latest move I have completely fallen off the ladder so now what?

Really now what? I have been doing my job so long that I don't even know what I am good at anymore. How does someone start over in their mid-thirties? No really I am looking for suggestions...anyone?

Sigh, to be continued the babe is calling.....